I wasn’t all that disappointed; low expectations, you know.  But it wasn’t anything new or good.  More angling for control.  He’d very much like to have me sit with him, in person and in private, with my promise not to leave until he’s ready.  That sounds like every bad situation I’ve ever been warned to avoid.

Now and then I think I’d like to trade in apology futures.  They’re easy to come by around here, but surprisingly dear elsewhere.  I’d make a mint.

—

When we talked last, two years ago, I did my best to explain where our relationship stands.  In 2007, your actions as a parent (to Kid B, but more pointedly to me) changed my life significantly.  You may not have agreed with my decision to offer Kid B a place to stay, but at no point did you address that in such a way that he had an alternative.  For 20 months, he considered my address his home.  During that time I was surprised that you were not taking steps to change that.

Let me be clear: whether or not you repair your relationship with Kid B, which I hope you will, you and I have an issue between us that has not been addressed.  You willingly allowed your job as a parent to go to someone else, which happened to be me.  You also allowed that to continue for 20 months with no apparent concern.  I don’t often feel owed anything or that I deserve something in particular, but in this case I do deserve a conversation about that, and acknowledgement of the way that changed my life. 

DJ would never make the same request for himself, but he also has earned that conversation.  He deserves to be thanked for his generosity in a situation neither of us anticipated.  He welcomed Kid B into the home he owned and shouldered many of the expenses, worry, and care that Kid B needed.  It may have been the right thing to do, it may have let you sleep well at night, and it may very well have been the best situation for Kid B – but that’s beside the point.

Unless you are able to take responsibility for your part in those events (in my life and DJ’s specifically, not concerning Kid B), I can’t consider a relationship with you in any capacity.  I’m not angry.  I’m not expecting that two years will have changed your mind any more than it has mine.  But it seemed fair to me to again offer an explanation, as clearly as I am able.  Thank you for the invitation for Thanksgiving, but I’m sure you can see why we won’t be there.

My mom would say that she really only needed a good pair of navy trousers, a pair of khaki pants, a black skirt, and various primary colored sweaters. She meant it, but the story her closets tell now is different. Vibrant and interesting. A strong shift in perspective.

Before my senior prom I secretly bought a pair of thong underwear, to avoid lines under my bias-cut dress. They were the granniest thong underwear possible. A full-coverage thong. My mom found it in my dresser and I thought it was the end of the world.

These days I wear two-piece swimsuits from time to time, often wear jeans, and hesitate about skirt length based mainly on my age, profession, and muscle tone. DJ and I live together and are not (yet) married. And my mother thinks that I am too conservative.

Which may be fair, since I don’t go “out” often, wear turtleneck sweaters all winter, and don’t mind the occasional grocery store ma’am. But all that was true ten years ago, too.

We are not relating well to each other right now. In the stages of life we are out of sync. Sometimes I wonder if we would get along well if she were the same now as she was then. Probably not. I’m too liberal for the mother of my teens, and too conservative for the mother of my twenties. There must have been a moment when the intersection was perfect, but it passed. I feel bad about that, too.