the principled uncheerful
—
When we talked last, two years ago, I did my best to explain where our relationship stands. In 2007, your actions as a parent (to Kid B, but more pointedly to me) changed my life significantly. You may not have agreed with my decision to offer Kid B a place to stay, but at no point did you address that in such a way that he had an alternative. For 20 months, he considered my address his home. During that time I was surprised that you were not taking steps to change that.
Let me be clear: whether or not you repair your relationship with Kid B, which I hope you will, you and I have an issue between us that has not been addressed. You willingly allowed your job as a parent to go to someone else, which happened to be me. You also allowed that to continue for 20 months with no apparent concern. I don’t often feel owed anything or that I deserve something in particular, but in this case I do deserve a conversation about that, and acknowledgement of the way that changed my life.
DJ would never make the same request for himself, but he also has earned that conversation. He deserves to be thanked for his generosity in a situation neither of us anticipated. He welcomed Kid B into the home he owned and shouldered many of the expenses, worry, and care that Kid B needed. It may have been the right thing to do, it may have let you sleep well at night, and it may very well have been the best situation for Kid B – but that’s beside the point.
Unless you are able to take responsibility for your part in those events (in my life and DJ’s specifically, not concerning Kid B), I can’t consider a relationship with you in any capacity. I’m not angry. I’m not expecting that two years will have changed your mind any more than it has mine. But it seemed fair to me to again offer an explanation, as clearly as I am able. Thank you for the invitation for Thanksgiving, but I’m sure you can see why we won’t be there.
Or extraordinary Saturdays.
From here, with so little knowledge, your email seems amazingly mature and considered and deeply felt. I wish you well. I have a friend with parents who have time and time again proved not to wish her well. Even in her late 40s she keeps trying to come to a reasonable point. I don’t think coming to a reasonable point is the only good outcome. Just coming to a point of balance. What’s that technical term? Oh yeah, equilibrium. It can be volatile, or quiet. But equilibrium. I really do wish you well.
This is gutsy. (I mean that in a good way–I don’t think I could pull a letter like this off.)
Julia, on a much smaller scale, I’ve experienced something similar — a father doing something selfish, and seeming utterly unaware that it affected anyone but him, or that it might have an impact on his relationships with his children. For me, what grated the most was the infuriating cluelessness, the way he would act like nothing was wrong and nothing had changed. I think it really does help to lay it all out on the line and say “here is why what you did affected my life, and why I am upset with you.” Even if your dad never has that talk with you about how taking over as Kid B’s parents affected your life, you know you’ve been honest with him, and that he knows how you feel about your relationship with him (even if he may not really understand it).
I clicked through to the post you linked, and I just have to add this: DJ sounds like an amazing guy. I’m mentally raising a glass to you both.
Good for you. That’s an excellent letter, and better than he deserves.
Julia… I really respect you for sticking up for what you believe in, and for making the responsible decisions that had to be made. AND, for your direct response. Prayers your way.
Holy smokes! Good for you. I’m curious to see what, if any, response there is.
I think you state your case very clearly and without vitriol – two things that are always difficult for me in similar situations. It would be nice if he could acknowledge his accountability but based on your previous descriptions of situations with him, it seems unlikely. I admire you for not just going along with his convenient amnesia and for telling him how you feel.